using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
