I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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