he wants to bone in the snuggie
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
