I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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