Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
