a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
