you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
tell me about the fingering
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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