Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
