I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
