Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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