just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
