I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Randomize
