my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Im part way to drunk.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
