if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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