I am spending my child support on dildos
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
