"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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