I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We don't watch enough power rangers
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
