I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
