You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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