just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
