Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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