Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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