I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
