saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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