I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
