Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
