Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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