i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
