M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
