They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
