I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
