I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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