now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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