i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
