; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
