I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
