Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
