she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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