I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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