I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
