Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
