He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
