U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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