the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Randomize
