What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
