ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
