well I can't set my house on fire every night
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Terrible idea I love it
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
