then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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