I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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