i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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