tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
